I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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