I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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