btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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