She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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