i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Who wears a wallet chain?!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
