So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
