She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
