I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
