Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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