see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
