Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The air was thick with penises
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
