Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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