New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
