textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
