i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
