Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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