Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
people are starting to question the shark bite story
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
