when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
