Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
