I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
