My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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