I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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