I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just took my morning after pill in the library
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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