I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
