It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
