you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
