My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
