well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
