omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
