there's paper in my vomit.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
