drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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