I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
