I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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