Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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