He uses pillows to masturbate.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Liz is crying about burritos again.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
