2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
