You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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