you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
