god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
this boner is exhausting
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
