i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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