Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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