the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I need to calm my uterus...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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