i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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