so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
