I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
