I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
