i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
