I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
