I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
