Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
